I’ve been trying to write this post since April 8th when I found myself sitting in the shower, with the pounding hot water covering the tears that streamed down my face. See, when it rains, it pours.
At least that’s our prayer here in Texas. Scratch that…since I started this post, we’ve had our fair share of rain – we’ve all chipped in and sent Mother Nature a 6 month PX of Prozac. But…back on point…. I’m not even going to get into all the details, because you wouldn’t believe me any way, but let’s just say the roller coaster ride of 2016 started in December 2015 one cold night when we broke down in the middle of an intersection. At 2 a.m. Off of 28th street in Fort Worth. Let me just say, I sold cemetery lots in south El Paso and that night had me more scared than being a ginger in the barrio. Anyway, I digress. Again.
I’ll never be able to write the flood of words that have washed through my mind and filtered through my heart and soul, but it goes something like this:
- Awaken the wild woman in you – she has been asleep too long.
- Love your heart out, but take no shit (The Better Man Project).
- I’m in the process of becoming the best version of myself.
- God doesn’t want me to be a ‘fix them’ woman – He wants me to be a ‘love them’ woman (adapted from Lysa Terkeurst).
- There are some things the heart knows that the mind will never be able to understand (The Better Man Project).
- Build someone up. Put their insecurities to sleep. Remind them they’re worthy. Tell them they’re magical. Be light in a too often dim world.
- It’s a beautiful thing to have someone see you as you are – but it’s pure magic when someone can show you who you could be (The Better Man Project).
- Be badass.
- When you hold on to your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny (Bishop T.D. Jakes).
- She had a wild, wandering soul but when she loved, she loved with chaos and that made all the difference (Ariana).
- I was made to be wild, wicked and free, to carve out my own crazy destiny, to find a place in this world where I can be the most authentic version of me (Christy Ann Martine).
- It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are (EE Cummings).
- Like wildflowers, you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would.
- You are entirely up to you.
- Don’t ever let anyone dull your redhead sparkle.
Okay, you get the point. I could write my entire life memoir with memes and quotes (and I spent the greater part of this morning doing just that), but those are just a few of the ones that have really resonated lately. Most of y’all know that I’ve dabbled at stepping out in faith to fulfill the passion and purpose that God has put on my heart and I’ve always backed down. My Momma wasn’t lying when she said I was a pansy ass when I was little. I’ve always been afraid of my own shadow, the sound of my voice out loud, and the dark (yes, I have taken my 9 mm with me when taking out the trash). Until recently. Cuz ya know what’s at rock bottom? Lots of shadows and darkness and the only way up is to use your voice – and to ask for help. Something I’ve always struggled with. And something I was finally forced to do.
So, I’ve realized that no matter what plans I have, God has something bigger, more powerful, more life changing and it has more to do with purpose. It really doesn’t matter WHERE you are at (literally or figuratively), there comes a time when you just have to chuck it all in the f…faith bucket (what did you think I was going to say?) and say, “God, I’m done. I’m tired. I’m not capable of making this on my own and I’m worn out from making this about myself. So here you go. I’m yours. Lock, stock and barrel. Heart, mind, soul, spirit. Do with me what you wish.” And it is that deafening silence that will scare. you. sh…silly.
You know what He told me? Actually whispered softly so as not to disturb my one (wo)man pity party…
Your playing small does not serve the world.
And just in case I wasn’t listening or didn’t believe Him, he pulled in reinforcement…yep, you guessed it…the one person who most closely resembles my Momma in spirit and words, my partner in crime and fellow squirrel. There was a small envelope in the mail, no note, just a dish towel (hey, it’s how we roll in this family) that read:
when she finally stopped caring what others thought, she soared
Everyone…okay, a small group of dedicated, crazy, passionate, unconditional peeps…have been very patient as I tried to figure out what all the open doors (that started flying open this spring) meant. Do I go through? Do I wait for an invitation? Do I make a decorative wreath to hang? Will they slam shut? Are they storm resistant? Will my furniture and all my junk (and I don’t mean what’s in my trunk) fit? And then it hit me, they don’t really mean ANYTHING other than just shut the hell up, be faithful and believe. Believe in the good, the grace, the unconditional love, the journey, the people, the light, and most importantly…believe in yourself and God’s promises over your life.
I have no idea where this blog will go, but I’ve been asked time and time again to please start it back up, so here we go. It will not be like anything in the past because that just didn’t work for me. Y’all know I don’t do well with constraints placed on me by other people. I need to be surrounded by wide open minds, hearts, spirits and spaces. So I hope you enjoy. I hope you join in. I hope you find your door and blaze through that sucker like Christmas morning …or your favorite chocolate cake… is waiting on the other side.
LIVE BIG – BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.
She had a gypsy soul and a warrior spirit. She made no apologies for her wild heart. She left normal and regular to explore the outskirts of magical and extraordinary. And she was glorious (Michelle Rose Gilman).